Understanding Anger: A Journey Through Emotion

The Complexity of Anger

Anger is deep, primal, and volcanic. It simmers with wild flares of untamed fury. Do you know this feeling? Every day, we hear about road rage incidents, shootings, and enraged individuals. The prevalence of these out-of-control occurrences demands introspection about our own relationship with this fiery emotion. It also calls for cultural conversations on the subject.

When I began my healing journey, I committed to my first session with a healer. The next morning, I sleepily slid down the stairs to start my day. As I glanced for my flip-flops, I noticed my husband had moved them. A profound rage surged from the depths of my being. It frightened me, sending me hurling back up the stairs and under the covers for safety from this unwieldy sensation. "Wow, this healer is powerful!" I thought. The amount of turbulent rage felt insurmountable. It had nothing to do with the flip-flops being moved. It was about what was buried deep inside me that needed healing. Even with that realization, it took years for me to embody anger as a healthy response to life's circumstances.

Anger, Rage, and Trauma

Anger can be especially hard for women to integrate, particularly if they grew up in an abusive home. One learns quickly to accommodate the powers that be rather than confront or express oneself, especially anger. Expressing displeasure or talking back can put one at risk for more physical, mental, or emotional abuse. Thus, many learn to be quiet and accommodating, stifling the energy of expression that needs to come out.

This pattern can translate later in life into an inability to speak up and ask for the raise you deserve at work. It can also manifest as doing things for others and then resenting that you "had to do it for them." Sometimes, we recognize we should have felt anger after a situation has occurred because the emotion falls below the level of our conscious awareness. "I just don't get angry," I have heard people say, meaning they can't let themselves feel that emotion because their emotional patterning won't allow it.

Thinking About Anger in New Ways

In his article, "What Your Anger May Be Hiding," Leon F. Seltzer, PhD, makes some important, eye-opening points about anger that we may not have considered:

• Anger often enables, protects against, or is symptomatic of something else.

• Paradoxically, anger can soothe an individual because it invalidates whatever (or whoever) led them to feel invalidated.

• Anger can help ensure one's sense of safety in close relationships by regulating distance.

  
  

Anger as Protection

Dr. Seltzer explains how anger protects us from other emotions. For example, when someone cuts us off on the highway, the rage we feel is actually a protective response to the fear of nearly dying. Anger produces norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that sparks the fight-or-flight response in the body. It is produced in the adrenal glands and the brain, creating a numbing effect on our emotions. This allows us to get through stressful situations, making us feel powerful and in control when we are most vulnerable.

Anger Used for Invalidating Others

When another person or event invalidates us, such as when a partner dismisses us by exclaiming, "You don't..." (fill in the blank), we can use anger to turn the tables and invalidate them. If we lack a connection to our core self or can't access our feelings of self-validation, anger can act as a sword to diminish others. The norepinephrine produced by our rage kicks in and soothes us during unsettling confrontations.

Anger and Attachment

Anger can also regulate distance in relationships when there is fear of "getting too close." When our trauma responses prevent us from becoming vulnerable in relationships out of fear of getting hurt, anger can provide a buffer. Picking a fight or getting into an argument keeps us involved with the person while maintaining a measure of space to protect our tenderness.

Anger and Creativity

Anger is a volatile, active emotion. It, more than any other emotion, likes to move. People who actively feel anger tend to think more broadly and see the bigger picture. When we repress and don't allow rage its natural expression, it takes a lot of our energetic resources to suppress it. This can zap not only our physical energy but also our creative flair, which needs that broader perspective to function at its best level.

Learning How to Express Anger

Seltzer emphasizes that expressing anger begins with slowing down and getting curious about what’s underneath it. Instead of reacting impulsively, he recommends a two-step process: relaxation and reassessment.

First, engage in body-quieting techniques—like deep breathing, grounding, or mindful movement—to reduce the physiological charge of anger. This helps interrupt the neurochemical loop of adrenaline and norepinephrine that can make anger feel empowering but reactive.

Next, reassess the situation by asking: What core hurt is this anger protecting? Is it fear of rejection, shame, or feeling powerless? Once you’ve identified the deeper emotion, you can express your anger not as blame or attack, but as a boundary or need. For example: “When that happened, I felt dismissed, and I need to feel heard.” This approach transforms anger from a weapon into a bridge—one that connects rather than divides.

Seeking Support in Your Journey

Need assistance with expressing your rage and embodying it in a healthy way? Eileen is an alternative healer who has completed multiple vision quests, enabling her to be a clear and effective conduit for your personal growth. She has worked with somatic breathwork practices for nearly a decade and is a certified Unified Mindfulness Coach. Contact Eileen@relaxandexpand.com for support.